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Mary Rosenblum
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Welcome to our Friday After
Hours forum.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I hope you're enjoying the
fall and looking forward to 'writing season'. (What else do you do when
it's cold outside?)
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is our After Hours Forum,
with me, Mary Rosenblum , your web editor and we're talking about 'show,
don't tell' and how to do it. I've published seven novels (number eight
will be out in November) , more than 60 short stories, and will do my best
to answer any questions you have. If you're new here, remember that you
need to click on the 'Ask a Question' button or the 'word bubble' next to
the red question mark at the top of the screen in order to ask a question.
Your regular 'send' bar won't reach me! Or you can use /ask and type your
question into the regular send bar if that works better for you..
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Mary Rosenblum
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I thought I'd bring up 'show,
don't tell' tonight.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You see it in every writing
course, book on how to write, and you hear it from every writing teacher
from about third grade on up.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The hard part is....how do you
DO it?
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's much harder to really
master than one might think.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The more completely you can
master it, the stronger your prose will be.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's particularly important in
fiction where reader engagement is all.
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bloodstone
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Is it very subtle ?
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Mary Rosenblum
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I would say, bloodstone, that
it is pervasive, rather than subtle.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It affects everything.
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Mary Rosenblum
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What you are attempting to do
with 'show, don't tell' is to make the reader 'see' and 'hear' the scene...
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Mary Rosenblum
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and completely forget that
he's reading about it.
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geezer
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She chuckled as she braked at
the corner. Thirsty patrons lined-up in front of Ruby's Slipper. She
guessed a comedian planted it there so close to Village Baptist. Made it
easier for the two congregations to annoy each other.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's a good example, geeze.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Let's take it apart piece at a
time to see why it's showing and not telling.
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xana
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Tell: Harold adored Daphne.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Yep, exactly.
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bloodstone
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what does that mean? I I sure of
evasive but pervasive?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Sorry, blood. Pervasive means
it's everywhere. It's part of all your sentences, in other words.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So let's look at geeze's
example. Why is this showing?
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Mary Rosenblum
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She chuckled as she braked at
the corner. This is the awareness of the POV character. She is aware of her
foot hitting the brake pedal and she laughs.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Thirsty patrons lined up in
front of Ruby's slipper.
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Mary Rosenblum
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She's thinking this.
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Mary Rosenblum
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She guessed a comedian had
planted it there so close to Village Baptist. made it easier for the two
congregations to annoy each other.
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Mary Rosenblum
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These are her thoughts, using
her voice and vocabulary. So the effect is that we are seeing through her
eyes and hearing her thoughts.
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charie'
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Through her conjecture the
reader gets a feeling of place.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Right. AND a sense of her.
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Mary Rosenblum
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She's the one chucking over
the dueling congregations: drinkers and Baptists.
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geezer
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But, poor Dr. petit. HIs clinic
lay in the musical crossfire.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And again, this is her
thought.
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xana
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Show: Harold handed Daphne a
bouquet of roses. Blushing, he handed her the poem he'd spent the last week
writing for her. "I know this isn't Keats," he said, "But it
is from my heart."
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Mary Rosenblum
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Right.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Although I'd translate the
'blushing' into his POV.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I'm usually aware of my face
getting hot, but I can't SEE my blush.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Harold handed Daphne the
roses. Face hot, he handed her the poem. "I know this isn't
Keats," he said. "But it's from my heart."
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Mary Rosenblum
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I've dropped the 'he'd spent
the last two weeks writing' because he knows how long it took, and he's not
really
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Mary Rosenblum
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likely to think about it right
here, it's mostly (and rather obviously) for the reader's benefit.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So I'd just leave it out.
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Mary Rosenblum
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What you do in show don't
tell, is you try to eliminate everything that is not action, thought,
dialogue.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Of course you need details or
it's boring, so you fudge a few back in, but subtly, so that we're not
aware of authorial meddling.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Ask yourself: what does the
POV see? What does the POV think here? What does the POV hear?
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Mary Rosenblum
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If the bit you want to include
is none of the above, leave it out.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That is what makes this tough.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's hard to distinguish at
first between what is 'of the scene' and what is 'authorial'.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Let me do the 'telling
version' of geezer's little scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Marlis turned onto Main Street and
braked. At the far end of the block, a long line of patrons waited in front
of Ruby's Slipper, the town's one, notorious bar.
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Mary Rosenblum
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She often thought it was funny
that the bar and the Village Baptist faced each other across the street.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It seemed to make it easier
for the members of the two establishments to annoy each other.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Now if you notice, we have
much more information in the telling version.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That' s why most novice
writers use it.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's EASY to feed the reader
lots of information.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But the scene is no longer
nearly as 'real'.
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bloodstone
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thanks I've got a lot to think
about here.i like both versi
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Mary Rosenblum
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Well, in a short segment like
this, it's hard to see what the problem is.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But in a story or a novel,
what happens is that you don't draw the reader into the scene with the more
informative telling version.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The reader gets lots of
information, but at the end of the scene or the story, you have not made
the reader live your story.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's forgettable. The reader
moves on.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's simply not compelling
writing.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The stories that suck the
reader in so that the lose awareness of where they are, they're utterly
oblivious to the sofa or the chair in the airline terminal...those are
powerfully written stories.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And it's in the HOW as much as
in the WHAT.
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charie'
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The first version had me in the
car with her. The 2nd version I watched from down the block.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Exactly. It had a much larger
narrative distance.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Now at times you create that
narrative distance on purpose, you very purposefully TELL rather than
showing.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's Narrative Third Person,
and even then, show don't tell applies, but in a different way.
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Mary Rosenblum
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There it's how your narrator
relates events.
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Mary Rosenblum
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LIke this.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I met Candy at the Blue
Fountain and we had lunch. (Narrative telling)
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Mary Rosenblum
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I met Candy at the Blue
Fountain and she spent an hour complaining about Hank while she scarfed
down the large fried crab plate. (narrative showing)
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info
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sometimes the distance is
necessary isn't it? I mean, even in a narrative distance, couldn't you
still tell and have your reader standing with the MC as they look down the
block, taking everything in?
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Mary Rosenblum
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I think you're
misunderstanding distance, info.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If your MC looks down the
street and we're looking down the street with her, that's sill minimal
narrative distance.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It is the distance from the
POV, not the distance from what you're both looking at.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It has the effect of placing
the reader inside the physical space of the POV character
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Mary Rosenblum
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so that the reader feels that
he/she is doing all the things the POV is.
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Mary Rosenblum
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This does not work for every story,
of course, there are infinite ways to tell story.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But for many stories, most of
the genre stories, it is the most powerful way to engaging your reader.
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Mary Rosenblum
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There is no ONE way to do anything
in fiction. But the more you understand different effects and the more you
can
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Mary Rosenblum
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choose what to use for each
story, the more flexible and powerful you will be as writers.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Here's telling. Carl stopped
at the florist's shop and bought roses.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Carl stopped in front of the
shop, dazzled by the buckets of roses in all shades of pink and red.
"A dozen," he mumbled.
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Mary Rosenblum
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"Color?" The shawled
gnome behind the banked flowers peered up at him. "Color? Color?"
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Mary Rosenblum
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He pointed at a bucket full of
blossoms the color of blood. She'd hate them. He knew it as soon as he
stuck out his finger, but it was too late.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The gnome snatched a dozen out
of the bucket, muttering in some gutteral language as she whipped a sheet
of grimy newsprint around the dripping stems.
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Mary Rosenblum
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All you do is to describe what
you would see if you were there, looking over Carl's shoulder.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And what Carl is aware of
doing.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I've left out TONS of
information that I could have added.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Interesting information, but
it would have flattened the scene and the reader would no longer be in the
middle of it.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Your task, as author, is to
figure out how to include just the right details so that the readers figure
out what they need to know
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Mary Rosenblum
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and don't notice that you're
making them notice those certain details. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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Here I dropped in a few
details to suggest that this was a foreign city.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The woman is a 'shawled
gnome'. You don't see a lot of street vendors wearing shawls in most US cities.
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Mary Rosenblum
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She only uses one English word
and mutters in a gutteral language.
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xana
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But if Carl was in a hurry in
this part of the chapter, it might be wise to skip the detail and use the
tell version.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Absolutely. If this scene is
important to the story, I would write it this way.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If the stop for roses is
nothing more than a transition between two scenes, I'd write Carl stopped
on the way and bought roses.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Sometimes you do tell, when
you don't want to put the reader into the scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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She went back into the
apartment, made herself a cup of tea and went to bed.
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is the closing line after
an intense and very much shown departure scene where her lover drives away
in a taxi.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That last line is short,
spare, and utterly told. That is what is needed there.
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charie'
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His inability to tell the
florist that he'd rather not have the red gave me a clue to his character
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Mary Rosenblum
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Exactly. You can reveal a lot.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Illegible asked how to keep
the word count down.
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Mary Rosenblum
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True, showing uses a LOT more
words than telling.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So when word counts matter,
especially if you're writing short shorts, you have to choose what is
important and show that, tell what is not important.
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Mary Rosenblum
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As I said, nothing is always
or never in fiction.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If you're doing short shorts,
you're probably going to be able to 'show' only a short scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But you can get a LOT across
in that scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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My first mainstream fiction
sale was to a literary anthology of short shorts. 1000 words.
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Mary Rosenblum
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One of the real benefits to
showing is that it allows the reader to figure everything out for
themselves.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Just like real life.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Which increases the reality of
the story for them.
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megger
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Here is the start to my next
assignment, Mary: The scream ripped across the dark waters of the Mississippi, bouncing
off the bluffs to wake the sleepy town of McGregor. On the right track or is more needed?
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Mary Rosenblum
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I'd say that's a good start,
megger. Is your POV hearing that? If it's narrative that might or might not
be your best choice. I'm sure I'll let you know. :-)
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megger
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LOL Mary. It's not narrative
this time....if you can believe that.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Oh, I can. You're doing nice,
sdt.
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Mary Rosenblum
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For short fiction, beginning
with action, showing the reader an ongoing scene
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Mary Rosenblum
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is more often than not a
stronger way to begin your story.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Again, you can write very good
narrative fiction. But what happens a lot is that the novice writer
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Mary Rosenblum
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writes a story that would
really work better if the reader participated and the telling distances the
readers right out of that story.
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megger
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Even if the action is not
connected to a character?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Well, then it's simply a
question of whether this start is really the best place to begin your
story.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The right start is not an easy
thing to come up with, when you start out.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I had published several
stories before I got to the point where I picked the right place to start
more often than not.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I chopped off the first 1/4 of
most of my earliest stories during the revision stage.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I finally did learn where to
begin.
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illegible
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Can you start with dialogue?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Dialogue is an excellent start
and a great 'show, don't tell' device.
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Mary Rosenblum
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One caveat: Remember that in
real life we see and hear at the same time.
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Mary Rosenblum
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When you write dialogue, don't
forget to weave visuals into the dialogue so that you don't end up with a
telephone conversation!
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charie'
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Did the "pre-start"
get salted back into the story?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Sometimes, Charie. I know a
lot of them were just backstory. It's so tempting to start with backstory.
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xana
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A writer suggested that one
start a story near its end.
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Mary Rosenblum
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For short fiction that's
actually good advice, xana. Again, nothing is always or never, but the
closer you start to your climax, the more detail you can weave in as you
get there and the more compressed the story will feel
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Mary Rosenblum
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thus increasing its strength.
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illegible
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Tight dialogue with good tag
lines?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Yep, and use action tags.
Great way to slip in a few visuals.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Show don't tell is a nice
example of less is more.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You give the reader less
information, but the information you do provide has a greater impact.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Nearly everybody wants to
spoon feed the reader when they start writing.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Make the reader do some of the
work. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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Then it's the reader's story,
too.
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illegible
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Are you published under Mary Rosenblum
?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Yep. You can google me,
illegible. And as Mary Freeman, too.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The main thing with show,
don't tell, is try to convey the scene as much through the action,
dialogue, and thoughts of your POV as you can.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Avoid telling the reader
things that you think the reader ought to know.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Find a way to let the reader
learn it through action/thought/dialogue.
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charie'
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"At the hotel?" He
wrote meeting on his dayplanner. His secretary would dutifully tell his
wife if she called.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And I would use his
secretary's name. That's how he thinks of her, right? As Marianne? and he'd
think of his wife as Catherine.
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Mary Rosenblum
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At the hotel?" He wrote
'meeting' on his dayplanner. Marianne would dutifully tell Catherine if she
called.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Of course, your task as writer
is to make sure we know that Catherine is his wife and Marianne is his
secretary before this moment. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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That, of course, can cause you
LOTS of work as writer. Did I mention that writing well is work?
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charie'
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Neither of them had a clue about
Susan.
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Mary Rosenblum
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-)
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newbewriter
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Is it ok to copy the style of
writers that you like?
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Mary Rosenblum
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I highly recommend it, newbe!
I still do that! It's a great way to 'learn a new song'.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Don't worry. You're not going
to end up as some kind of 'derivative' writer.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You'll incorporate some
aspects of that author's style into your own evolving style.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But a great exercise is to
read a passage by someone you thing is SO good, close the book and write it
from memory.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Unless you have an eidetic
memory in which case this is kind of a waste of time. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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Don't focus so much on getting
the words right but try to recreate what you think is 'good' about the
piece.
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Mary Rosenblum
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See how close you come. Then
write something new in that author's style.
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newbewriter
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I am just starting out and have
not found a style of my own.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You won't really 'find' your
style. Rather what will happen is you'll find things that work well for
you...
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Mary Rosenblum
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turns of phrase you like, a
way of putting plots together that is satisfying
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Mary Rosenblum
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and your style will evolve.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I can usually tell who wrote
something if I read their work and like it, without having to look at the
cover to see the author's name.
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andi
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that's why a started reading one
author when i read it was like the one i was reading
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Mary Rosenblum
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We do tend to have certain
likes and dislikes and guess what? You'll include those likes in your own
writing.
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geezer
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How annoyed do authors get if
you use their pet phrase. Can they sue?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Goodness no. Only characters
and actual words on the page are owned by the author.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I couple of SF writers got the
term 'skinthins' from me, meaning a whole-body virtual reality suit.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It showed up in several short
stories.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Cyberspace was Bill Gibson's
creation.
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Mary Rosenblum
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it's in the dictionary now.
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xana
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But if the pet phrase is unique,
then I wouldn't use it. Then it does belong to that writer.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Well, it doesn't belong to
that writer. Bill doesn't own cyberspace. But people knew at first where
writers got the term.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Did it matter? No.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Now characters, that's
different.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You do NOT use another
writer's characters without written permission.
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xana
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cyberspace is a word, not a
phrase.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's just a matter of length.
If you use a scene from someone's story, that's plagarism.
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Mary Rosenblum
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A sentence? A pet saying? No.
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xana
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At what point does copying a
writer's words become plagiarism?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Now that, Xana, is the subject
of at least one little legal battle right now. :-) It's a very fuzzy area
and very expensively resolved in court.
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newbewriter
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what about using a radio
personality quote in writting?
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Mary Rosenblum
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you can quote anyone you want.
Just don't libel 'em.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That applies to spoken words.
Quoting their written words requires permission.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Which you will usually be
granted.
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illegible
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Can I get permission to write
scenes in an SF writers world?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Maybe, illeg. Probably not. Depends
on the writer.
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charie'
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Lots of characters can say
"I'll be back." But you can't have a terminator say it in your
story.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's an excellent example,
charie.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Well, this has been a fun
Forum.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I'll post the transcript in
the usual place.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Writing Craft: Forum
Transcript.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I have a fun game for you all.
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Mary Rosenblum
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In the Post A Note I
challenged folks to come up with a six word story.
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Mary Rosenblum
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how's that for short?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Mine was Sol went nova. The
toast burned.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Speck emailed me: He cheated.
She investigated. Funeral tomorrow.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Six words to imply a larger
story. See what you can do. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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Have fun with those six words,
folks! SEe you all Sunday for our casual chat.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Same time as this.
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charie'
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Where should we send our
response to the challenge?
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charie'
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Mary challenged. We wrote. Mine
won.
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Mary Rosenblum
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LOL so make it happen. It's in
the Post a Note.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I think it's in General
Discussion.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Night all!
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Mary Rosenblum
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Nope..it's in Idea Shop.
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