This is a delightful little piece, enjoyable for the plot, and a hoot for everyone who has suffered through a phone menu.                    

 

MURDER, INC

By

Mitchell Harris

 

Thank you for calling Murder Incorporated.  Please hold.  One of our associates will take your call as soon as possible.

Jackie’s life had come to this.  Years of cheating and lies had led to this.

We are making every effort to take your call.  Please continue to hold.

The early years were great.  Jackie had married a great guy.  She and Robert had even started their own company.  After the DNA storage agreements in 2020, they had taken advantage of laws to start “Happy Endings” – a company that for a fee could store the recently deceased’s DNA.

If you would like to murder your boss, please press 1 now.  If you would like to murder a parent, please press 2 now.  If you would like to murder your spouse, please press 3 now.

Jackie pressed 3.

Thank you.  Please continue to hold.

As they became millionaires, they fell apart.  Both had their affairs.  Both had lied.   Both wanted to control Happy Endings which they had incorporated during the marriage, but neither would give it up.  They would rather die then give it up.

Thank you for your patience.  If you would like your spouse shot, press 1.  If you would like your spouse stabbed, press 2.  If you would like your spouse poisoned, press 3. 

Jackie pressed 1.  She didn’t really care how he died, he just had to die.

Thank you.  You have selected: spouse shot.  Is this correct?

“Yes.”

Sorry, you must speak clearly.  You have selected:  Spouse, shot.  Is this correct?

“Yes”, firmer this time.

Thank you.  Please hold.

She had a plan.  By chance, she had seen the flyer on the kitchen table.  It must have fallen out of Robert’s newspaper.  In bold letters it asked: 

NEED SOMEONE ELIMINATED?  WE CAN HELP.  CALL MURDER, INC.

Please enter the date and time the murder is to occur.

Jackie entered 7 pm for today.  Her husband should be home then.  She planned on meeting with her new business partner Steve at that time.  She had merged with Steve in the bedroom and now they were going to take advantage of new technology to capitalize on the framework laid by Happy Endings.  For a nominal fee, they would promise to bring loved ones back using the stored DNA.  She had even giggled in bed one day when Steve had suggested a name for their company:  New Beginnings.

Please state the address where the murder is to occur?

Jackie said firmly:  “101 Peterson Street - Las Vegas, Nevada.  55555.”

Thank You.  Please hold.

Please state the address again.

Jackie almost yelled:  “101 Peterson Street - Las Vegas, Nevada 55555!”

Thank you.  We are sorry.  We show a previous engagement at that location.  There must be a 48 hour wait between murders.  Please try again later.

What?  There must be some mistake.  Jackie didn’t understand.  Until the men flew through the door and she clearly saw the “Murder Inc” patches on their uniforms.

That bastard, was her last thought.