Mary Rosenblum has published eight novels in mystery and science fiction as well as more than sixty short stories in major publications, in all genres.  She also writes nonfiction and is a Long Ridge instructor as well as Web Editor. 

 

 

 

Action Tags

Show, Don’t Tell in Dialogue

by Mary Rosenblum

 

            Some teacher sometime during your education told you to stop using ‘he said’ and ‘she said’ in your dialogue. That same teacher probably handed you a list of ‘alternatives’ such as ‘he announced’ or ‘she quipped’.  So  you  used them dutifully to replace those ‘he said’ and ‘she said.’  Good, thing, right?

            No.  Not really.

            ‘Said’, while it is often overused by novice writers, is actually a fairly invisible tag.  We note who said the line, but we don’t pay attention to the actual world ‘said’ unless it is used too often.  If the author uses a more specific word such as ‘quipped’ or ‘responded’ or ‘announced’, that ‘saidism’ catches the reader’s eye and stands out, drawing attention to that tag line – which is essentially the author telling us what the character is doing.  But if you use no tag lines at all, readers are quickly confused.  Who said this?  They have to count back to identify the speaker, and sending your readers backward like that kicks them right out of the story.   So how do we show the speaker to the readers? 

            This is where ‘action tags’ come in.  What are action tags?  Action tags are a brief ‘beat’ of action that shows the speaker to the readers.   “I don’ know.”  Jim shrugged.   Who said ‘I don’t know’? Obviously, Jim did.  We are trained to assume that the person whose name follows the dialogue line is the speaker of that line.  So a glimpse of the speaker in action identifies that speaker and notice, there is no ‘said’ or “saidism’ in that action tag.  While you could write the sentence as:  “I don’t know,” Jim said as he shrugged” why should you?  It’s obvious who is speaking without the ‘said’ word, so leave it out.  Empty words such as ‘said as’ weaken your prose. 

 

Two Birds With One Stone

            Action tags do more for your dialogue than to simply eliminate those pesky ‘said’ tags.  They also allow you to continuously remind the readers of your visual setting, so that you can create the effect of seeing and hearing that conversation simultaneously, just as we do in real life.  When a novice writer creates dialogue with no visual details, the readers begin to hear people talking in a gray fog, creating what is called a ‘talking heads’ scene.  Readers quickly forget where we are and what we see unless reminded regularly. 

            In addition, a character’s body language – those small physical movements and facial expressions – reveals his or her emotional state. The character’s emotional state not only affects the meaning of what he or she says, it also colors that person’s tone. 

 

            Let’s look at an example: 

 

            “Hi,”  Jane said.  “Nice to see you.” 

            “How long has it been?” Daren asked.  “Two years?”

            “More like three,” Jane admitted.  “How have you been?”

            “Okay,” Daren responded.  “I missed you, you know.  You didn’t leave me any note or anything.  You just left.”

            “Yeah,” Jane said awkwardly.  “You know.  I was just reacting.”

 

            So here we have a conversation between Jane and Daren. Obviously this has some emotional intensity.  These people haven’t seen each other for quite some time and we find out that Jane left suddenly and Daren missed her.  Perhaps they were romantically involved.  However we have to fill in a lot of the emotional tone here on our own.  Is Daren angry?  Is Jane embarrassed?  Or is Daren hurt?  Maybe Jane is afraid of him, he was an abusive boyfriend?  We don’t know.  We are guessing what the situation might be and then filling in a lot of  blanks in terms of the character emotions.  We readers are doing all the work here – and we might get it wrong.  We might  completely misinterpret the author’s intention here.

            What do we see here?  Nothing.  This might be taking place in Daren’s living room, in a bus station, or the street, in Jane’s kitchen.  Notice that ‘said’ only occurs twice, but instead we have ‘asked, admitted, and responded.  The author has to tell us that Jane is speaking awkwardly in that final line.  Otherwise we won’t know what her tone of voice is. 

            Let’s try this scene again, setting it on a downtown street, in front of a department store, in the bustle of a Christmas shopping weekend. This time, we’ll give Jane and Daren some specific emotional reaction to the conversation.

 

            “Hi.”  Jane clutched her armload of gift wrapped  packages, her expression stiff.  “Nice to see you.” 

            “How long has it been?” Daren stepped closer, blocking her path to the bus stop.  “Two years?”

            “More like three.”  Snowflakes began to dapple hair and she peered over his shoulder into the rush of traffic, obviously searching for her bus.  “How have you been?”

            “Okay.” Daren shrugged.  She didn’t really want to know.  “I missed you, you know.”  He stepped sideways, so that she had to look at him. “You didn’t leave me any note or anything.  You just left.”

            “Yeah.” She looked away, her lips tight.  “You know.  I was just reacting.”

 

            Here we have a few visual hints of the busy street and the season – gift wrapped packages, a bus stop, a rush of traffic, snow falling.   So readers will have no trouble  visualizing a familiar city street crowded with holiday shoppers.  It’s winter. It’s a city.  Each reader will fill in a much more complete landscape from his or her own experience.  

            The action included in the exchange also implies the emotional state of the characters.  Remember how we had infer all the emotion that had to lurk between those terse dialogue lines?  Now the emotion is much more obvious.  Jane clutches her armload of gifts and her expression is stiff: she is nervous or anxious.  Daren steps closer, blocking her path to the bus stop: he expects her to try and avoid him, or he’s confronting her.  He shrugs: He’s not really okay.  He steps sideways so that she has to look at him.  He’s forcing her to pay attention to him even though she’s trying to avoid doing so.  She looks away, lips tight.  She’s upset, feeling uncomfortable.   

            Because we see enough body language to suggest the characters’ emotional state, we don’t need any adverbs to describe tone of voice.  So the She said awkwardly  is no longer needed.  We hear Daren’s intense tone as he says, You didn’t leave me a note or anything.  You just left.  He has been hurt and we hear that hurt in his voice but he’s also acting aggressively here, forcing her to pay attention to him. So we’ll hear a note of anger in his voice along with his hurt.  

            This version even includes a brief bit of internal narrative:  She didn’t really want to know.  This is Daren’s own thought.  He’s aware, as he answers her polite question that she doesn’t really want to know how he has been. 

 

Tuning the String

            We could completely change this scene, simply by changing the action tags.  Let’s reverse the emotional content here and we’ll set the scene in an entirely new place. 

 

            “Hi.”  Jane threaded her way through the crowded tables of the little sidewalk café.  “Nice to see you.” 

            “How long has it been?” Daren stood, grinning and pulled out a chair.  “Two years?”

            “More like three.” Jane sighed gratefully as she sank into the shaded chair.  “How have you been?”

            “Okay.” Daren nodded at a passing waiter.  “I missed you, you know.  You didn’t leave me any note or anything.  You just left.”

            “Yeah.”  Jane made a face as the waiter set two glasses on the table and poured the champagne.  “You know.  I was just reacting.”

 

            Here we have exactly the same dialogue, not a word different, but what a different scene, eh?  Here, we have a sidewalk café and it’s clearly summer if that shade makes her grateful.  Daren is not confronting her, here.  She comes to him where he’s sitting at the table.  He grins as he stands and pulls out a chair for her.  She still left without leaving a note, but the champagne that waiter is pouring suggests a pleasant reunion between former lovers than a confrontation.  Jane’s admission this time has the feel of an apology made long after the fact, when both parties have moved on.  

            This is the power of action tags.  They can set the scene and more importantly, they can dramatically deepen the characterization.  Without them, the scene is shallow and the readers are left to guess at the emotional undertones of the exchange.  Each reader will bring his or her experiences to bear on that dialogue scene and the outcome might not be what you, the author, intended. 

            In all three examples, the dialogue is exactly the same, word for word.  Look at the differences between those three examples.  Next time you write a dialogue scene, throw out that list of ‘alternative words’ your high school teacher handed you in English class and instead, simply show us your speaker in action. 

 

Tag Position

            An added benefit to action tags is flexibility of tag position.  When a ‘said tag’ comes in front of the spoken line, it creates a ‘narrative effect’. That is, it is clearly the author telling us that the character is about to speak: 

            Jim said, “I think I’ll take a nap now.” 

            That ‘Jim said’ is very noticeable and reminds the readers that the author is telling us this.  We are not sharing the scene with Jim. 

            When the ‘said tag’ comes after the dialogue, it is less noticeable:

            “I think I’ll take a nap now,” Jim said.

           

            Action tags – with no ‘saidism’ included – work fine either way:

            Jim yawned.  “I think I’ll take a nap now.”

            “I think I’ll take a nap now.”  Jim yawned. 

 

Action Action Everywhere

            When you write dialogue, try to show us the speakers.  Let us see their actions.  Show us their body language – the shrugs, winces, sideways glances, and blushes that let us guess what the speaker’s emotional state is.  Next time you’re in a mall food court, waiting at an airport, or stuck in line at the cash register, try a little ‘action tag practice’.  Unobtrusively watch people who are engaged in conversation.  Notice their body language – the way they hold their arms, gesture, their posture, their expressions. 

            When you write that next dialogue scene, remember that your characters are not sitting stone still and speaking. They are probably moving about a bit. If they’re not, make them move around a bit.  Give them something to do while they’re talking. Then we can see them and hear them at the same time, and we’ll hear just the right tone of voice, since we’ll know each character’s emotional tone. 

            Action tags are one of the most powerful fiction tools you have in your toolkit.  Time to start using them.